Blinders

 "Harrowing" is a favorite of mine, because it reminds me of traveling through the US with not much money and fewer plans. There were times on the road when I wasn't sure I would survive whatever experience it was that i was having. One of the most harrowing times on my adventure was in Wyoming, driving through the Tetons. Being from Florida, a very flat state, much of it underwater, I was shocked by the terrain of this country. I had not experienced hills in 20 years.

Going west over the mountains was one of the most frightening things I have ever done. "How big could they be," I thought. "They aren't that big on the map." This was just one of many things that I underestimated when I undertook this adventure. The Tetons are big. Huge in a way that I had never understood the word before. Before this trip, I had no idea that I feared heights. The Tetons were where I found this out about myself. All I could do, as I drove down the narrow two lane switchbacks, was not take my eyes off the road. Because of the altitude, it was difficult to breathe. It felt like a poodle sitting on my chest. My head hurt, and I felt nauseous.

Mercifully and miraculously, hanging off a crevice in the middle of these mountains was a coffee shop. I thought it was a mirage. I pulled into a parking space and tried not to look down past the stone wall separating me from the whatever is at the bottom of 7,000+ ft. The warm scent of fresh baked cookies hit my nose as I walked in to the tiny cafe. The nice woman behind the counter knew the haunted look on my face, and helped me to figure out where I was and what i wanted.  She brought me some coffee and some cookies. She said people always came in looking like me. As I was leaving, she handed me an empty paper bag for my ride. I thought it was for trash.

I sat for a while, trying to attain some equilibrium. My ears were ringing and I felt the vertigo was coming back.  I made it out to my car to continue the drive, but I was still in panicked mode and hyperventilating. I didn't know how I was going to make it down and then up again and then down again many times before making it through the massive peaks.

In situations like this, my Aunt Lulu is just the person to call. She is practical and someone you would want to sit next to in the life boat. She mothered five children and worked as the town clerk on Cape Cod. Her vision is clear and strong. She doesn't belabor or bemoan. She is unflappable.

"Hi Claudia," she said. "Are you calling from jail?"

I told her where i was and that i couldn't keep going. I was hyperventilating, because I was crying and scared. I noticed the bag on the passenger seat and started to breathe in and out, as Lulu spoke slow and calm.

" Turn on the car" Lulu told me. "Get out of the parking lot and I will get you down." And she did.

Many years ago, when she and my Uncle Ed took their kids on a cross country trip, they were going through mountains like the Tetons. Ed was driving, and suddenly, at the top of a mountain, he panicked and thought he couldn't get down. He was cold and clammy, feeling like I felt. So Lulu quieted the kids, and calmly talked Ed down from the ledge. He also had no idea that he was scared of heights until he was at the peak, with a car full of young children, and a camper attached. They made it through to California and continued on their cross country RV trip.

She told Ed what she told me. "Breathe. Go slowly but don't stop. Keep your eyes on the rear bumper of the car in front of you. You have to put blinders on."

That advice got me through the mountains, and through all kinds of other disorienting experiences once I got to California. When these things happen, and I think I am losing my nerve, I hear Lulu's voice in my head, calmly telling me to focus on just what is in front of me. I put the blinders on and talk myself down from whatever ledge I am on. It's worked so far.

Since that time at 7,000+ feet, I have driven many hilly roads. I drove through the hills overlooking over Palo Alto. Driving through the hills of Napa and Sonoma is a hobby. Recently, I drove up Mt. Diablo, and almost didn't make it down. I walked around at the top of the nearly 4,000 ft alt mountain, until I had my wits about me. When I did, I pictured Lulu in my mind, and heard her voice coaching me back down. It is much easier on the way down than it is on the way up.